The Iliad

by essiness aka Slim Dorky

(sampling Homer)

Yo Muse! Come on up here girl and help me sing
You make me feel like a poet when you shake that thing!
Sing `bout Achilles son of Peleus, he blew his cool,
When Agamemnon covered him he looked like a fool.
Yo it was over some girl, you know he doesn't even like `em,
But you can't let people dis you cause they feel the mood strike `em.
Achilles threw down his armor and he sulked in his tent
He didn't give a damn how bad the battle went.
You see the Greeks were fighting Troy right there on Ilium's shore.
I guess you wonder what the hell those Greeks were doing it for.
If you think ancient trading routes or international stature,
Well then you need to read more tragedies and study human nature.
No it was over some girl again, yo cherche la femme!
Maybe Achilles knew his business when he steered clear of them.
You know that Helen was a hottie, she knew how to launch your ship.
Though she was hitched to Menelaus, one night she gave him the slip.
When she went to Troy with Paris where his Daddy was king,
The Greeks all knew they had to do the Trojan war thing.
Which brings us back to Achilles, he's still there pitching his fit.
The Greeks are getting nailed they wish he'd get over it.

You see...

He was the rage! Of the bronze age!
Because he owned all his fights.

They put his face! On every vase!
You saw his name in oil lights.

He instilled fear! With his bright spear!
The Greeks were hopeless bad without him.

He was the boy! To conquer Troy!
That was the problem with his poutin'.

So up jumped Patrocles and that pretty boy said
Give me your armor Achilles and I'll go in your stead.
You're wondering who was Patrocles? Well I'd rather not say
Cause I'm a macho rap dude... Alright Achilles was gay!
He liked to dress up in drag (they say one foxy little charmer)
Till Odysseus found him out cause of his thing for armor.
I guess he shouldn't threaten my masculinity,
Because he's mythical and died about one thousand BC!
Anyway Patrocles rode out, dressed in the big guy's golden threads,
The Trojans thought he was Achilles, man they all lost their heads!
They started running for the hills, leaving Hector alone,
He was the coolest Trojan prince, he was bad to the bone.
He had his Trojan mojo working, looked Patrocles in the eye,
He said ``Achilles or not, boy you get ready to die!''
Now within five minutes flat, of when the spears hit the shields
That Greek was floating down the Styx to the Elysian Fields.
You thought Achilles had a temper, man our hero went crazy
When he found out that his boy toy now was pushing up daisies.
You know his hand were trembling, he began to sputter,
He started wacking Trojans down like some Helenic buzzcutter.
He wasn't satisfied mowing Trojans down like grass,
He was looking for something, and it was Hector's ass.
Now I forgot to mention `cause I figured ever everybody knows,
Achilles magic skin which makes him be impervious to blows.
If you put money on a fight now would you bet against the guy,
Whose godlike powers mean he simply cannot die?

And now...

Let's watch these two. See what they do.
Two heroes on the battle line.

It's no surprise! That Hector dies!
Achilles mother was divine.

Now Hector's bones, Achilles owns!
And so he drags them round the city.

That bunged up stiff, that got him miffed!
Now Hector doesn't look too pretty.

You see the two heroes meet, you watch as Hector falls,
You see his body being dragged around those Trojan walls.
Now Greek gods, in my opinion, have the right attitude.
They've got no problem if you feel you have to ice some dude
For scuffing up your chariot or checking out your chick
But if you mess with his cadaver they'll come down on you quick.
That's why Apollo was indignant, he said I'll learn that baddie,
But first I have to turn invisible to hide it from my Daddy.
See mighty Zeuss he had proclaimed from his Olympian throne,
``You gods stay out of the battle, leave those mortals alone.''
But way up high on the wall, where Paris sat and he prayed
To Apollo `cause he needed supernatural aid,
He took out a poison arrow, placed it in his bow,
Then he aimed it at Achilles and he let it go.
Unseen Apollo was there, to guide it right to the site,
On Achilles where he knew it'd serve that prima donna right.

You see...

All but his heel! Was turned to steel!
When Mama dipped him in the drink.

That bit she missed! His nemisis!
I don't know why she didn't think

You can forgit! That hubris shit!
At least when Greek gods are in town.

You climb too far! Reach for that star!
And they are bound to bring you down.

Now muse, your goddess charms have got me almost there,
I need a bit more inspiration girl its only fair.
You've got to help me tell these people `bout Achilles fall,
From the poison arrow shot down from the Trojan wall,
By Helen's boyfriend to avenge his brother's bumpy ride,
That's on account of he's the reason that Patrocles died,
Who was only there to cover for Achilles pout,
Over the slave girl who this whole mess seems to be about!
So the moral is more troubles come than you can name
If you're fool enough to go and take up with some dame.
That's what you'll find out in the epic of this ancient time,
By that Def Jammin Homer, man that cat can rhyme!
You've got to get to your library better check it out soon
Don't let your one source of culture be some Hip-Hop goon!